I am sorry that I completely missed the cues that you were never as close to me as you were to my former significant other. I still struggle knowing my level of friendships even today, because I never had that many close friends as a child. I missed out on so much drama, but that also meant missing out on opportunities to learn friendship skills not easily learned any other time in life. Later on, I met you and thought you were “found family” and never thought anything would bring us apart. But I couldn’t have been more out of touch with reality.
Reaching out to you for support after that messy breakup was a mistake. I should have seen the signs that you never cared to know my side of the story. I should have known that you were too cowardly to end our friendship like an adult. You thought I was trying to stalk my former SO. I guess I can’t blame you, because I dwelled over that pain and was desperate for closure for many years. But I never cared to know what he was up to, you gave me that information yourself. I never cared to talk to him. I knew he wanted nothing to do with me and I wasn’t about to prove him right that I am not to be trusted.
I made atrocious decisions out of ignorance and regret ever hoping for forgiveness. I should have packed my things the minute I broke his trust, instead of carry it out for another year. I had no idea what demons I was dealing with. No therapist could help me identify them until I learned more about CPTSD and insecure attachment styles. I wish I could restart my 20s with the knowledge I have today and still end up with my husband. But what’s done is done. I still deserved honesty and healing, not more mixed signals and shunning. I have already dealt with enough of that from neurotypicals growing up. I expected better from my fellow autistics, who I thought would understand what that feels like.
Back when I was in first grade, I was given a trial for inclusion after spending my kindergarten year in a special day class. Unfortunately, few teachers knew how to properly include disabled students in their classroom. Despite growing up in an affluent neighborhood, the school still claimed that there was not enough funding to accommodate my needs. This was in the late ’90s.
My teacher swapped a journal with my mother to keep each other updated on my school performance. Sadly, I could not find a single positive thing she had to say about me. She was fully aware of my diagnosis, so she had no excuse. I hope she learned to do better. I googled her name and saw that she has still taught into this current decade.
12-17-1998
Chelsea didn’t want to go to recess again today. She told me she doesn’t have any friends. I reminded her that Paris, Shelby, Sam, Dylan and Tracy all like to play with her and are her friends. I even heard Paris ask Chelsea to go play in the sand with her. But Chelsea said no and wanted to be alone. She finally settled for color outside. Can you help reinforce that when someone asks you to play that they are trying to be friends? – Teacher
3-11-1999
Hi! I just wanted to update you on the recess issue. The principal and I spoke with the noon aid about what happened. She said Chelsea said the “sh__” word and “f__k.” So, we really don’t know what happened (the person says one thing and Chelsea says another). So the principal told the duty lady if something ever happened like that again, to call either myself or Mr. K (and not to send her to office as if she were a “reg” ed child). It is unfortunate that there is not enough funding right now to have an aide with Chelsea for every recess. – Teacher
3-19-1999
Chelsea was in one of her obstinate moods yesterday – she got up in the morning and said she didn’t want to go to school- she gets like that sometime, where she is very contrary. I always hope that it will pass – some days it takes her forever to get out of that mood. I think most of her problems at school start on the playground – the loudness of the children, the bells, etc. – she is very sensitive to noise. I think she is also beginning to understand that she is different from the other children – she told me yesterday that she “didn’t like herself.” We talk about this a lot, but I’m not sure what she is feeling – she can’t put it into words. I am worried that she may need some special arrangements during recess & lunch. -Mom
4-16-1999
… me while the kids sang. But today, she wasn’t even willing to go out. Also, … I tried to use the star to motivate her to sit in chair and do 2 math problems and it didn’t even motivate her in the least.
1:30: Did not want to do “Daily News.” Just sat there and played with her pencil. -Teacher
4-29-1999
8-9:30 Worked good in class.
9:30: Chose resource room for recess.
9:50-11:00: Non-compliant. Sent to RSP
11-11:45: Lunch
11:45-12: Sat in chair for calendar 🙂
12-12:45: Non-compliant, sent to RSP
12:45: Recess w/ Mrs. A
1:00: Pulled to RSP for testing -Teacher
No date
Chelsea won’t tell us what the problem is – she says there is too much noise at school and the other kids don’t like her. She won’t say who. She says school isn’t fun anymore. We are very frustrated because she seemed to be doing well the first half of the year and is now so obstinate. I have spoken with the speech therapist about getting her into social skills classes. I really don’t wan’t to put her back into special ed this year, because I think that would reinforce her negative behavior and make it more difficult to mainstream her later. I will be at school on Tuesday morning (speech). We will do our best to talk to her over the weekend. -Mom
5-5-1999
8-9:30: Chelsea was pulled out for testing. She came back in time for recess.
9:50: Non-compliant, went to RSP.
11:45: Non-compliant, sent to office
12:00: Adapt PT
12:30: Sent to office for non-compliance. She stayed in office because she had a temper tantrum. She came back at 1:50 to get book at book swap. She was very unhappy when she came back.
5-17-1999
Chelsea has been telling us all weekend that she doesn’t want to go to school anymore – she says she doesn’t want to be with the other children, because they make fun of her (apparently someone called her an “imbecile” – she said this makes her “not like herself”). I’m not sure if she prefers Mrs. S’s classroom because she gets more attention, or if she just gets away from the other kids (probably a combination). We have explained the necessity of cooperating with the program and staying quietly in the regular classroom. We’re hoping she can last out the year. -Mom
Journal exchanged between my teacher and my mother during 1st grade, 1998-1999.
Autistic Flapper 