To the autistics who masked while I chose authenticity.

You are the majority of autistics while people like me are the minority. Most of you weren’t even aware you were autistic until well into adulthood. I need to forgive you even though I have suffered a lot from you avoiding me when we could have been friends. You did what you had to do to survive. The consequences of not masking may have been more severe to you than they were to me; although I still paid a huge price. Most importantly, your choices were very personal and had complex reasons. But a little accountability for your unintended harm goes a long way.

I want you to be honest with yourself. Did you truly believe that being different is shameful and that there was something inherently wrong with both you and me? Have you at any point projected your insecurities on me without realizing it?

What stopped you from standing up for me while I was severely bullied in school? I was bullied by almost everyone in my classes, so I can guarantee that at least some of you joined in because you were afraid the bullying would be directed at you instead. What would you have done differently if you could go back with the knowledge you have?

Last, but not least, how did it make you feel to see me so open and unapologetic about my diagnosis? Did you tell me that I was “brave” to talk about it, while you really believed I was unwise to be so vulnerable? How do you feel knowing now that a small number of people were willing to take those risks to make the world a better place for you?

“Nobody owes you anything”

This saying has gone around online over the last 5-10 years as a response to lonely people desiring more engagement from others. It has become increasingly harder to stay connected with the community due to modern political events, reduced “third spaces”, and increased pressure to work without a balanced life. It has been frustrating for me personally to have fewer friends check in on me over the years. It has also been harder to find new friends who are willing to put in full effort to stay in touch. Despite having a wonderful husband who knows my pain and validates me, I still feel chronically lonely without strong support from the community.

The idea that “no one owes you anything” may have originally been a response to resentful men who blamed women and feminism for their loneliness. Men otherwise known as “involuntary celibate” or incels, have it in their minds that women owed them sexual relationships because they are so desperate for connection. They struggle to attract partners for different reasons, however they also have attitudes that would even repel people who are otherwise open-minded.

But desiring connection is not the same as feeling entitled to sex. Belonging in the community is a basic human need, yet has recently become commodified. People are supposed to be willing to include others and avoid cliques; and especially make space for those who are shy and introverted. Friends are supposed to check in on each other regularly, even when it gets tiring; otherwise they only qualify as acquaintances.

In other words, the attitude that we “don’t owe anyone anything” is a terrible attitude to have and it goes against being human. It is a product of capitalism and is leading to social atomization. It is not to say that we are not allowed to have boundaries and people are not obligated to respect them. It is okay to (respectfully) let go of friendships that are no longer a good fit for you. If you need to escape an abusive relationship quickly and are unable to safely explain a boundary, it is okay to cut contact with that person and file a restraining order if necessary. But it is not okay to avoid people because you are uncomfortable having difficult conversations. There is a fine line between self-care and selfishness that we are all still learning to discern.

Unpopular opinion

It is okay to not have endless patience for people-pleasing. While fawning is a normal response to trauma, and is less immediately damaging than fight, that does not make it a harmless quirk that people are obligated to tolerate forever. It is something one must be committed to healing from, just as they would be for any other trauma response that impairs their relationships.

Anyone who has had a mother who could never say “no”, only to later complain how ungrateful her children are; or a friend who has a habit of flaking out of their plans with you at the last minute; or someone constantly asking you for reassurance; would understand why it is extremely exhausting for others and not just for oneself. I have even known people who actively defend their pleasing habits, and even made me feel that I am in the wrong for not wanting to be more like them.