This saying has gone around online over the last 5-10 years as a response to lonely people desiring more engagement from others. It has become increasingly harder to stay connected with the community due to modern political events, reduced “third spaces”, and increased pressure to work without a balanced life. It has been frustrating for me personally to have fewer friends check in on me over the years. It has also been harder to find new friends who are willing to put in full effort to stay in touch. Despite having a wonderful husband who knows my pain and validates me, I still feel chronically lonely without strong support from the community.
The idea that “no one owes you anything” may have originally been a response to resentful men who blamed women and feminism for their loneliness. Men otherwise known as “involuntary celibate” or incels, have it in their minds that women owed them sexual relationships because they are so desperate for connection. They struggle to attract partners for different reasons, however they also have attitudes that would even repel people who are otherwise open-minded.
But desiring connection is not the same as feeling entitled to sex. Belonging in the community is a basic human need, yet has recently become commodified. People are supposed to be willing to include others and avoid cliques; and especially make space for those who are shy and introverted. Friends are supposed to check in on each other regularly, even when it gets tiring; otherwise they only qualify as acquaintances.
In other words, the attitude that we “don’t owe anyone anything” is a terrible attitude to have and it goes against being human. It is a product of capitalism and is leading to social atomization. It is not to say that we are not allowed to have boundaries and people are not obligated to respect them. It is okay to (respectfully) let go of friendships that are no longer a good fit for you. If you need to escape an abusive relationship quickly and are unable to safely explain a boundary, it is okay to cut contact with that person and file a restraining order if necessary. But it is not okay to avoid people because you are uncomfortable having difficult conversations. There is a fine line between self-care and selfishness that we are all still learning to discern.
Autistic Flapper 